Dan Vs. The Ninja/Transcript
(Scene shows Dan walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grovery bag holding a box of cookies. Ninja is following him.) Dan: Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk. (Ninja cuts off the bottom of grocery bag, stealing the box of Miss Alps Chocolate Chip Cookies. Then, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies.) Ninja: Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Ninja: Take that! (Ninja throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk.) Dan: Hey! What the-! Woman: Umm, drinking problem much? Dan: There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Dan: Where did that throwing star come from? (he touches the star, hurting his finger) Dan: Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. (he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off) Dan: I can't believe this! (he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before) Dan: NINJA! (Scene shifts to Chris' and Elise's house. Chris walks down the hall in his pajamas.) Chris: Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- (Chris notices Dan searching for something in the refridgerator) Morning, Dan. Dan: Is it? Chris: Is it... morning? Dan: I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes. Chris: A ninja? Dan: Pancakes! Chris: Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja? Dan: Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk. Chris: Do ninjas do that? Dan: This one did. Chris: But how - How did you know it was a - Dan: He was in pajamas. Chris: I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja? Dan: Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja. Chris: If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? (Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it.) Chris: Hey, not cool! Dan: What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem! Chris: I don't break your plates. Elise: (walking into kitchen) Do I smell pancakes? Chris: Almost ready. Dan: I get mine first. Elise: Hi Dan, you're up early. Dan: I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies. Elise: I'm sure it wasn't a ninja. Dan: You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? (Dan throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table) Chris: My table! Dan: Now tell me it's not a ninja. Elise: The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me? Chris: What was that? Elise: (closing the blinds and locking the door) Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem. Dan: Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her? Chris: What?! I'm always helping- Dan: Papapap! Elise: It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. (she walks out carrying a baseball bat) Chris: Did you notice anything strange right there? Dan: You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me? Chris: No, Elise was acting funny. Dan: I told you not to get married. (Scene switches to Elise in the garage. She opens a hidden compartment containing a ninja outfit. Then the scene shifts back to Dan and Chris in the kitchen.) '''Dan:' And another reason you shouldn't have gotten married- Chris: Can we just drop it? Dan: No! This needs to be said - your pancakes have suffered. (There's knocking to the door.) Chris: I'll get it. (Chris opens the door and sees Elise carrying a sword.) Elise: What did I tell you!? Chris: Pants first, then shoes! Elise: I told you not to get the door. Chris: But it was you. Elise: Or so you thought. Chris: Wait, wha? Dan: Nice sword! Elise: Thank you. Now take me to where you saw the ninja. (Scene shift to the pavement from yesterday night. Elise is examining the footprint while Dan and Chris are standing nearby.) Chris: So, I'm confused. Dan: As always. Chris: You believe in ninjas now. Elise: What makes you think I didn't believe in them before? Dan: Yeah! You shouldn't assume. Chris: Yeah, but when Dan said he was attacked by a ninja, you were sceptical. Elise: If Dan said he was attacked by a tiger I'd be sceptical, doesn't mean I don't believe in tigers. Dan: Another excellent point, she's kicking your butt, Chris. Chris: It's not a competition, Dan. Dan: But if it were, she'd be winning. Elise: These tracks indicate a split-toe sock with climbing spikes on the bottom. Also the throwing star, or shuriken. Dan: Shuriken! Elise: I think you've got yourself a ninja problem. Dan: I knew it! Elise: Looks like the Koshugi clan. Dan: The whatso whosits? Elise: A ninja family that has lived in the shadows for centuries. The story takes place in Japan. (Scene changes to Edo era Japan) Several hundreds years ago a man named Jiro Koshugi lived a life of peace. Jiro was good at two things: hiding and making cookies. Dan: Oh, wait a minute. (scene changes back to Chris' kitchen) Dan: This guy doesn't make cookies, this guy steals cookies. Elise: I'm getting to that. Dan: You may proceed. Elise: (scene changes back to Japan) During the chaos of the Sengoku period military conflict between the rival factions was constant. (Jiro defeats guards surrounding him by throwing cookies like shurikens.) Elise: It was in one of these battles that Jiro's cookie shop was burned to the ground. Jiro: My- Oh, my cookie shop! Whyy?! Elise: He dedicated his life to revenge. Dan: I guess he's not all bad. Elise: They say he never baked again. Instead, he became the most feared assasin in the land. He was called shinobi no mono. Dan: Stop making up words. Elise: It means "one who steals away". We call them the ninja. Soon other dispossessed dessertmakers joined him, and he trained them in art of ninjutsu. (Scene shifts back to Dan and the others.) 'Dan: So why did this guy ganged my cookies? Elise: I told you, Jiro stopped making cookies for himself and his clan followed in his footsteps. They've taken an oath never to make sweets on their own. Dan: So they have to steal them? Elise: I'm afraid so. Dan: Man, I hate me some ninjas. Chris: Can I ask you a question? Dan: If you must. Chris: How do you know so much about this stuff? Elise: Uhh... Um, no reason. I see a lot of ninja movies. Chris: And the katana? Elise: It's not actually a katana. It's a ninja-to. Chris: Either way, I- I've never seen you carrying a sword before. Elise: I will carry a sword when I want to. Dan: Yeah, Chris, second amendment. Chris: Okay, I'm not saying you can't carry a sword. I'm just saying it's new behavior. Combined by the fact you seem to have knowledge that relates directly to the situation we find ourselves in, I think an explanation is in order. Dan: Wow. That is the most I've ever heard you say at one time. Chris: That's because you've never asked me about my tomato garden. Well? Elise: Okay, you know I had a life before we met, right? Chris: Uh-huh. Elise: Well, this isn't just any throwing star. Dan: That's rght. It belongs to the Koshugi clan. See, I listened. Elise: It's the ninja clan I run afoul of when I lived in Japan. Dan: So this is your fault?! My cookies are gone because of you? Elise: Uh, I don't know. If they knew where I was, they would have attacked me directly. Regrettably, you're involved now and ninja's next step will likely be to kill you. Dan: Kill me?! Over my dead body. Chris: Wait. How did you run afoul of a ninja clan when you were fourteen? Elise: Well, it was a long time ago. It's a long, long story and- I don't wanna talk about it. Chris: But I tell you everything about me. Elise: I know. Dan: Enough already! What's important is we find this ninja and make him buy me more cookies. Chris: But- Elise: Dan's right. We've got to do something about this ninja before he strikes again, we can't just wait around. Luckily, I have a plan. (Camera zooms out to the ninja watching them from a rooftop.) Ninja: Elise, my ancient and sworn enemy. What a fruitous coincidence that stealing the angry little man's abomidable cookies would lead me to you! Unfortunately for your friends, they know too much. Who eats cookies made without butter anyway? (Scene shifts to Mike's Costumes.) Elise: Okay, come out and let us take a look. Chris: I don't know about this. (Chris comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan.) Dan: Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all. Elise: can you slouch a little? Dan: And be more handsome. Chris: I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan. Dan: We told you, you're a Dan-decoy. Chris: Right, but why? Elise: To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you- Chris: Okay, there's the part I don't like. Dan: We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious. Chris: Well then I'm expendable? Dan: Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer. Elise: No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow. Dan: And we're hoping he poisons you instead! Chris: I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing. Elise: Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan! Dan: Because you keep eating! Elise: So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die! Chris: And you just said probably. Elise: I'm almost positive. Dan: Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby. Elise: Please? Chris: Alright. (Scene changes to Chris in the park with Dan and Elise hidden in the bushes instructing him.) Elise: Now act like Dan! Chris: Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry. Dan: Idiot. Elise: Dan, shh. Dan: He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that! Elise: Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt. Dan: I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo! Chris: I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! (Chris is shot in the neck with a dart) Dan: Get him! (Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja) Chris: Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! (he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating) Chris: Flying monkeys? This time of year? (he runs through family's picnic basket) Chris: Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satysfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing. (Meanwhile Dan and Elise are chasing after the ninja. Elise manages to catch him using the grappling hook.) Elise: Gotcha! (they engage a battle. Elise's about to lose when suddenly trash can lid hits the ninja) Elise: Dan? You saved my life! (ninja manages to escape while Elise's distracted) Dan: He exploded! We won! Elise: He didn't explode, he escaped. Dan: Well, that's completely unsatisfying. (Scene changes to Chris, still hallucinating.) Chris: So I said, "They're not my radishes. You're the one with your left blinker on." Elise: Chris? Chris: Oh, hey, Glendale. (Later this evening.) Dan: Aw, man, this guy's heavy. Chris: Sorry. Dan: You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while? Elise: Quit complaining, Dan. Dan: Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end. Elise: Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door. Dan: No problem. Ohh! Heavy. Elise: What's this? Dan: What's what? Elise: (reading a note attached to the door) "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu." Dan: It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us! Elise: '''It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge. '''Dan: Like who looks better in evening wear? Elise: Like single combat to the death. Dan: Oh. Elise: A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead. Dan: I'm willing to take that risk. Elise: Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris? Dan: Bushes. (Inside the house.) Elise: Onto the couch, one, two, three! Chris: Hey, take it easy. Dan: So when do we leave? Elise: We? It's single combat, one-on-one. Dan: I'll just watch. Elise: No, it's a sacred ritual. No one's allowed to spectate. Chris: Could someone bring me some water? Dan: Where is it? Elise: It's secret. You can't come. Dan: If you win, I get my cookies back, right? Elise: I'm pretty sure your cookies are gone. They've most likely been eaten. Dan: By ninjas? Elise: Yes, Dan. Dan: But that's not fair! Chris: Oh, my head. Elise: The Koshugi clan doesn't play fair. They're ninjas, assassins, spies. Dan: And cookie thieves? Elise: Yes. Dan: I hope you kill that guy. Elise: I will, or die trying. Dan: Either way. I just don't understand what your blood feud has to do with my cookies. Elise: Nothing. The ninja was just stealing your cookies to eat them, but when I showed up, the feud was rekindled. Of course, since you were already in the middle, you became a target. Dan: So if you die, will they still come after me? Elise: Yes. I already told you you're involved now, and if I die, I can only assume you'll be next, then probably Chris. Dan: Well, then I would appreciate, as a favor to me, that you not die. Elise: Okay, Dan, for you. Dan: Hey, it's not just about me. As long as that ninja's alive, no one's cookies are safe, including mine. Chris: Wait. What's this about combat? Elise: Never mind. Just get some rest. Chris: Where am I? Uhh. Elise: Will you stay here with Chris? Dan: Of course. Elise: Eat anything you want in the fridge! (Elise leaves the house.) Dan: Hey, Chris, ppen wide! Here's a nice pastrami sandwich for you. (Chris sees his own hand as the sandwich and takes a bite) Chris: Ow! Stop it! Hey, where did Elise go? Dan: Shut up. Chris: Where are you going? Dan: Out. Chris: Can you bring me some... water? (Later, Chris is talking on the phone.) Chris: I'm just so thirsty. Woman: Sir, it is illegal to dial 911 with a nonemergency. Chris: (still hallucinating) It feels like an emergency. Plus there's still all those flying monkeys. Woman: Sir, unless the flying monkeys are physically attacking you-- Chris: And I've been poisoned. Woman: Poisoned? Well, that is an emergency, sir. Chris: Oh, good! Have them bring water. Woman: Paramedics are on the way. (Paramedics arrive and kick open the door.) Chris:'' Hey, guys! '''Paramedic A: Yep. He's been poisoned, all right. Paramedic B: Clear! (he zaps Chris with the defibrillator) Paramedic A: What did you do that for? I- I just said he was poisoned! Paramedic B: I don't know! I panicked! Paramedic A: Great, rookie. Now he's poisoned and unconscious. Paramedic B: I said I was sorry. Paramedic A: You know, I don't think you did. (Meanwhile, Elise's preparing for the battle. Shurikens fly towards her out of nowhere) Elise: Very sneaky. (Ninja jumps out and attacks her. They engage a battle.) (Meanwhile, Dan's walking towards them. A branch almost smacks him in the head.) Dan: Whew. That was close. (While Elise's in the middle of a fierce strife, Dan skips over a puddle on his way.) Dan: Wow. That was almost dangerous. Dan: Where could she have gone? So much walking! (Dan distracts the ninja.) Dan: Hey! (he throws a box of milk at the ninja. As a result ninja trips and falls over) Ninja: Oh, hey, that was so not fair! Dan: Fair? You're a ninja! Finish him. Ninja: All right, all right. Hang on. You win. Elise: You surrender? Ninja: Yeah, totally. Dan: Aw, you said to the death! Elise: That's true. It's on the scroll you sent. Ninja: Dude, seriously, come on! Dan: You be quiet, cookie thief! Elise: I'd like to spare your life. Ninja: Awesome! You should! Elise: But how can I be sure your clan will leave me alone? Ninja: Because I'm the whole clan. Elise: How could that be? There were 15 or so of you. Ninja: Yeah, that. Well, it was the annual Koshugi clan barbecue and training retreat on Mount Fuji. I couldn't make it because I had a wicked case of head lice and they didn't want me giving it to everybody. Anyway... (Scene changes to a group of ninja in the bus, singing.) We are the ninjas, mighty, mighty ninjas Wherever we go, people want to know Who we are, so we tell them (Sign: Hold caution for lack of safety without bridge in future ahead!) We are the ninjas, the mighty, mighty ninjas Wherever we go, people want to know Who we are, So we tell them- Aah! (The bus plummets down the canion.) Ninja: An entire clan of ninja wiped out just because they were too cheap to rent a bus with antilock brakes. Dan: Ninjas. Elise: As assassins, they're unparalleled, but they've always skimped on rental transportation. Dan: So are we going to kill him or what? Ninja: What's with this guy? Elise: He's still mad about his cookies. Ninja: Dude, there's got to be something we can work out. Elise: Maybe there is. (Scene changes to Elise's kitchen.) Ninja: Wow. (he pulls a tray of cookies from the oven) I swore I'd never do this. Guess I'm not a ninja anymore. Dan: We've all had to give up that dream at some point. Elise: What will you do now? Ninja: Don't know. I saved up some of my ninja money. Plus there was a pretty big insurance settlement when my clan was wiped out. I think I might open a business. Dan: Cookies! Now! (he gobbles down some cookies) These are good. (Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown.) Elise: Where have you been? Chris: Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies? Dan: Mine! Elise: Dan, let him have a cookie. Dan: Fine. (muttering) Bet you're not so tough without that sword. Chris: Who's this? Elise: He's the ninja. Chris: Aah! No more flying monkeys, please. Ninja: Former ninja. You can call me Dave. Chris: Oh. Hi, Dave. (Some time later Dan, Chris and Elise are sitting in Ninja Dave's Cookies joint) Dan: I'm glad we didn't kill Ninja Dave. Dave: Hey, hey, me too! On the house. Cheers, guys. Dan: Ah, the sweet taste of revenge and chocolate chips. (Dave pulls out his ninja-to) Dave: Just kidding! Category:Transcripts Category:The Salvation Armed Forces